


Everything Stays

by insertfandomjoke



Series: Sanders Sides One-Shots [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Learning to move on, M/M, Moving On, Past Character Death, roman is a sad boi and virge and lo try to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 03:11:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18437819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insertfandomjoke/pseuds/insertfandomjoke
Summary: “Well…” Patton pauses, mulling over his words. “I don’t want my absence to cause you pain. Not that I’m planning on going anywhere! I just think that you have so many people who love you, Roman, and a whole world out there for you. You can’t… You can’t devote your entire self and essence to one person, you know what I mean?”“Not really, no.”





	Everything Stays

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Rebecca Sugar's "Everything Stays" (as you can see from the title.)

_ He hears a laugh; full of giggles and pure happiness. His heart swells as he follows the sound, making his way past their homely fireplace and cozy couches where they had spent so many nights cuddled up together on. The back door of the kitchen is slightly ajar, and he pushes it open to reveal the garden outside. _

_ There, surrounded by fuzzy, golden light is- _

Roman wakes up with a gasp. His bedroom is cold and dark. Big and empty. He raises one weary hand to his cheek and feels the wetness there. 

As he realises that it happened again, he curls in on himself, hugging his arms tight around his body in a futile attempt to keep himself together.

 

“You know, Ro, you can talk to me.” Virgil sits across from him in an unfamiliar coffee shop, his voice gentle.

“Yeah, I know,” Roman replies. “That’s what I’m doing right now, isn’t it?” He tries for a smile, but the corners of his mouth are too heavy to lift.

Virgil sighs. He goes back to stirring copious amounts of sugar in his coffee, taking an experimental sip every now and again and wincing. The coffee here is terrible.

But it feels wrong to go to the one closer to his and- to  _ Roman’s  _ house.

 

_ Around him is laughter and warmth, radiating from the onlooking baristas and the man across from him. _

_ “You come here often?” Roman asks a handsome man sitting in the corner by the window. _

_ “I guess you could say that.” _

_ “Oh?” _

_ “I work here, silly!” The man laughs as the blush overtakes Roman’s tan skin. _

_ “Shit, really?” _

_ “Yeah, but don’t worry about it. It’s not every day someone pretty starts flirting with you.” _

_ Pretty, Roman thinks. He could get used to being called that. _

_ “So, what’s your name?” _

 

Roman walks through the silent streets, hands shoved in his pockets. He doesn’t know where he’s going. It’s fine, though. He’s fine.

It must be around three in the morning - the drunks have all stumbled home and the sane people have locked their doors and snuggled into bed.

Roman’s heart aches every time he thinks of home and his spacious bed.

So he walks.

It starts raining at some point. The freezing water seeps through his clothes and eventually, his subconsciousness leads him home. When he’s aware of his surroundings again, he’s sitting in front of the unlit fireplace.

He’s been through enough of Logan’s lectures to know that he should take off his wet clothes before he catches hypothermia, but instead, he tugs the cardigan closer to his body.

 

_ The back door of the kitchen is open again. Roman, distantly in his mind, knows it’s a dream, knows what’s going to happen, but he walks through anyway. His feet follow the sound of his beloved’s laugh. _

_ It’s fainter now. It’s been almost a year, so it’s not that surprising when he can’t remember exactly how it sounded.  _

_ He makes it through the door. The fuzzy, golden light he’s grown so used to solidifies. _

_ This is the part his subconscious always forces him to wake up. His brain had never been that cruel to show him the next part, but this time, this time he finally sees him. _

_ “Roman!” calls Patton as he spins around to face him. He has a wide, impossibly bright smile on his face. Roman can still see the dimples, the little crinkles around his softened eyes and the slightly smudged glasses his love wears. _

_ Roman rushes forward and picks Patton up in his arms, swinging him around and around, just like on that day. He puts him down, even though he desperately doesn’t want to. Roman wants to scream at himself to never let Patton go, but dreams don’t work like that. _

_ “Look what I got you, Ro!” Patton says. He grabs Roman’s arm and tugs him towards the old swing set. _

_ No, no- _

 

“No!” Roman shrieks, hand outstretched. As he comes to, he realises he’s lying on the living room floor. His fingers clench in the air.

There’s a knock at the door. “Roman?” the person asks. “Are you okay?”

He heaves himself up and opens it. There’s Logan, black suit and black tie, a crease in his eyebrows barely showing from behind his thick frames.

“Roman?” he inquires again. “Virgil’s waiting in the car.”

Why- oh. “I’ll… Let me get changed.” Roman’s voice is flat. Hollow. Logan purses his lips and nods before returning to his car. 

Roman can see them have a quiet conversation, no doubt about him, and he turns. 

The door shuts behind him.

 

_ Everywhere he looks is the same, clinical white. He hates it. And he knows Patton would too. _

_ The chair he sits on is made from uncomfortable plastic and he thinks that if Patton were running this place, it’d be super comfy. There would be bright colours and free candy and friendly staff. _

_ Not like that judgemental asshole who keeps staring at him with big pity eyes from behind her desk. Mind your own business, Susan, or whatever your name is. _

_ The doors swing open and in rush Virgil and Logan. _

_ “We got here as soon as we could,” Logan explains as Virgil immediately flings himself at Roman. _

_ “Shit, any news yet?” _

_ Roman shakes his head no. He doesn’t know why they’re so panicked. Patton will be fine. It’s not a big deal, because- _

_ Because Patton doesn’t break his promises. _

 

Roman puts on a suit, then takes that off. He’s not Logan, thanks. He doesn’t want this day to be so depressingly formal. Plus, if Virgil gets to wear his hoodie, then he can wear whatever the fuck he wants.

As he stares into his closet, eyes determinedly focussed on only the right half, he’s struck with the thought that this must be the first time in a year since he actually cared about what he wore.

And it’s stupid! Except, no, no it’s not. He wants to- wants to pay proper respect. 

He puts the suit back on.

 

_ “Look what I got you, Ro!” _

_ There, on their old swing set, is an adorable teddy bear. It’s wearing a red sash and has a little plush sword sown into its hand. _

_ “Remember? It’s your prince outfit from the first play I saw you act in!” _

_ “How could I forget?” _

_ As the memory plays, Roman tries to recall Patton running up to him after that very play. He knows that that was when he first asked Patton out, but he doesn’t remember Patton’s exact answer. He can’t see the crinkles around his eyes clearly, he just knows that they were there. _

_ In fact, the Patton in front of him now has lost his glow. The entire memory is darker, faded. _

_ But that clears up when Patton puts his hand to his chest, frowning. _

_ “Patton? What’s wrong?” _

 

Roman grabs his wallet. He should buy flowers on the way there. Logan and Virgil probably already have a bouquet of their own, but it feels like he should have a separate one.

One with hydrangeas and irises and forget-me-nots, contrasted with white roses. Patton had always loved blue.

He passes the kitchen, then pauses. His body has a mind of its own as Roman walks to the backdoor in a daze.

He twists the knob, creaking it open.

 

_ “Roman, I can’t- I can’t- my chest, it feels so tight,” Patton gasps. Roman rushes to his side. “It hurts; I can’t breathe; Roman, please-” _

_ “Patton, dear, it’ll be okay, let me just-” _

 

Weeds have overtaken their backyard. Guilt pierces Roman’s already tender heart as he spies Patton’s garden. Vines creep up the fence and plants spill over the edge of their garden beds, roots lifting the bricks from the path. He eyes scan the scene and he spies the old swing set.

And the bear on the ground beside it.

 

_ Patton’s grip loosens on the bear as his knees buckles. Roman catches him, lowering him gently to the dirt floor. _

_ “Help is coming soon, Pat, don’t worry, don’t go, don’t leave,” he whispers over and over. _

_ “I won’t, I promise,” Patton chokes out. _

_ One of Roman’s hands moves to gently stroke Patton’s hair while the other grips Patton’s shirt tight. _

_ The paramedics are quick to arrive. _

 

Roman’s fingers tremble as he kneels down to turn the bear over. Its face is dirtied and the colour has drained away but-

He loves it so, so much. Even though it hurts to look at, to remember.

He picks it up and carries it out to where Logan and Virgil are waiting.

 

_ The ambulance ride there is anything but silent. Roman and Patton’s sobs fill the room as the paramedics try to soothe them, try to help. The siren is loud and shrill as the ambulance races towards the hospital. _

_ Then they’re being bustled into the emergency room. Roman’s told he has to wait. _

_ He watches as Patton is taken away from him. If he had known it would be the last time he’d see Patton alive, he’d run alongside him, even if he wasn’t allowed.  _

_ But he doesn’t know yet, and he feels so numb. _

_ The double-doors swing shut. _

 

“We’re here,” Virgil murmurs, briefly touching Roman’s shoulder. “C’mon.”

It takes a while to get to it. It seems rude to run in a place like this, so they don’t hurry.

Or maybe Virgil and Logan just don’t want to rush Roman.

They can’t put it off forever, though. All too soon, the three of them are standing around a slab of concrete and a small tombstone.

Virgil starts sniffling and Roman can see a few tears leak out of Logan’s eyes. He aches to comfort them, but there’s nothing he can say.

He kneels beside the grave and gently places his bouquet of flowers.

“I hope it’s not lonely there,” he whispers. His eyes sting. He swipes at them and continues. “I miss you, Patton. Every day. And I know you miss me, so… So here’s mini-me.” He positions the teddy bear upright, hand lingering on the fur before pulling away. “Take good care of him for me, okay?”

That’s the last thing he manages to get out before he begins to sob.

 

_ “I’ll love you forever and ever!” Roman proclaims one night. They’re stargazing in the park Roman had taken them. “You’re everything to me!” _

_ Patton’s eyes soften. “I love you too, but don’t say that.” _

_ Roman had said it as a romantic thing, so he doesn’t understand why not and voices as such. _

_ “Well…” Patton pauses, mulling over his words. “I don’t want my absence to cause you pain. Not that I’m planning on going anywhere! I just think that you have so many people who love you, Roman, and a whole world out there for you. You can’t… You can’t devote your entire self and essence to one person, you know what I mean?” _

_ “Not really, no.” _

_ Patton laughs. “That’s alright. I’m not the best with words and I can’t expect everyone to think the same as I do!” _

_ Roman laughs too. _

 

Back then, he hadn’t understood. He hadn’t for the past year, either. It felt wrong to be happy without Patton by his side. It felt wrong to go and do the things he used to do when every step was a chore because it was a step without Patton.

But as he stands up, he understands what he meant. 

And he promises to Pat that he’ll work on being happy again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me about this on my Tumblr:
> 
> [@notafeeling](https://notafeeling.tumblr.com)
> 
> If you liked it, consider leaving me a comment to feed my gremlin writer mind ;)


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